Expert reveals how much sex couples should actually be having

Quality over quantity

People tend to mirror what they think is "normal" based on their friends, however, is there a truly universal benchmark for how often couples should have sex to maintain a strong, healthy relationship?

It makes sense that a lot of us have wondered how often we should be sharing the bed as regular sex is often linked to a better mood, enhanced cardiovascular health, stress relief and amplified intimacy, per WomansHealth.

To add to the pressure, society places all sorts of expectations on sex: when you're young and single, you're supposed to be having plenty of it; in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, even more; and once you're married with kids… well, you might as well be wearing a chastity belt.

So, it's not out of the ordinary to wonder where you sit on that 'sex spectrum', and that's exactly why we asked Sex & Intimacy Educator Grace Alice to shed some light on, let's be honest, what all of us are wondering.

Grace Alice starts by reassuring that it's common to wonder what an average amount of sex is, however, there's "no magic number" when it comes to how often couples should be getting it on.

She continued: "Society has conditioned us to zone in on numbers as if they’re the ultimate benchmark for relationship health, but in reality, these figures don’t tell us everything."

'If you’re not truly enjoying sex, the frequency becomes irrelevant'

Grace Alice goes on to explain that through her work with couples, she's quickly realised that despite some couples engaging in sex several times a week, this is no guarantee that other parts of the relationship are fulfilling. She points out that external expectations often take priority over genuine desire.

She added: "Sometimes, people are having sex frequently because they feel pressured by external expectations rather than genuine desire. If you’re not truly enjoying sex and feeling that it is physically and emotionally fulfilling, the frequency becomes irrelevant."

What's the most reliable average?

Although there isn’t a ‘magic number’ that guarantees a healthy relationship, Grace Alice notes from her experience that couples who share a bed a certain number of times often report having a strong, sexually connected relationship.

"I’ve also worked with many couples who don’t have weekly sex - they might have sex around three times a month.

"That figure actually tends to be the most reliable average for long-term, cohabiting couples. Importantly, these couples often report feeling sexually connected and strong in their relationship, enjoying the sex they do have, without concerns about the exact count."

Focus on quality

Sex & Intimacy Educator, Grace Alice, concludes by stating that people are far too fixated on numbers when it comes to their intimacy.

Instead of fixating on a particular number or hitting a specific monthly quota, it's far more important to focus on the sense of sexual connection between partners, which doesn't solely include intercourse.

"While sex itself can absolutely strengthen a relationship, it’s vital to remember there are many other powerful ways to connect sexually that don’t involve intercourse. Things like flirting, kissing passionately without expectation, intimate touch, hopping in the shower together, cuddling naked, or giving a massage can all build sexual connection and intimacy."

"So, my biggest advice is to shift away from worrying about the quantity of sex and focus much more on the quality of both the sex itself and also your sexual connection overall. That matters far more than a made-up 'should' number," Grace Alice concludes.