UNCOVERED: The truth behind those photographs from the Royal visit to India

Damn Royals, back at it again with the business trips. I was lucky enough to get to accompany Kate and William during their trip to India. We had a brilliant time together, I documented the entire thing with tonnes of photographs and, as a result, I've learned a lot about them both. Here's what happened...

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No strangers to a lovers tiff, Wills and K8 exchanged a few heated words during the trip. In this instance, William thought it would be funny to draw an explicit image on an otherwise pleasantly-decorated elephant sculpture. Kate quietly told him he was scum.   Prince Charles and Camilla popped over to India for a few days to join the Royal couple. Kate and Camilla have been getting on very well lately and that certainly translated into this candid moment I managed to capture on camera.   They've managed to keep it out of the media, but the Royals actually brought Rachel Allen along with them to India as well. Kate is a huge fan of Rachel's cute little mispronunciation of words, while I developed a strong suspicion that Will has his eye on the Ballymaloe dynasty.   Probably the most upsetting part of the trip was when we went to visit an elephant that had a smouldering Indian man growing out of his head. Kate was quite insensitive about it and just kept laughing and calling him The Elephant Man. If you look very closely, you can see a lot of sadness in the elephant's eyes.   Kate is a self-confessed chocoholic, which is perfect because that makes her so relatable and lures us into thinking that she's one of us. However, this proved to be a lie when these men from the Kaziranga National Park presented her with a rhinoceros that had been dipped in chocolate. To be honest, she turned her nose up at the entire situation and the locals were upset.   Kate's twin joined us for a little while during the trip. Her name is also Kate and she was really nice. It's amazing how she's managed to stay out of the limelight for so long - they're completely identical!   Kate proved herself to be the superstar of the trip, showing the locals how to do The Dab. I can't remember exactly what she was saying at this point, but I think it was something along the lines of "look how trendy yet sensible my shoes are".   Overall, I had a great time with William and Kate. They're stunning, lovable and just the right amount of smug. I expect they'll both deny that I was ever actually on the trip, but that is because they want to keep our friendship a secret.